I’m just a big ‘fraidy cat.

by jamesjohnson92

Fear.

Fear is an interesting thing. It plays a part in 99.9% of the things we do. It’s the reason we make life choices, or we don’t. They affect how we grow personally, professionally and intimately. Whether we choose cream cheese or tuna on our Baked Potato. Whether we decide to talk to that girl (or guy). If blue shoes, or black shoes go with these pants. The list could go on, and on, and on, and on.

Before I start, everyone has one unifying fear; rejection. Everybody – to a certain extent – wants to be liked, fit in, look good and have a group of peers that we conform with. It’s a built in fear from being a baby when you’re worried about abandonment from your mother, and stays with us for the rest of our lives. The majority of us wants to fit in. Call it low self-esteem, insecurity or whatever you want, but it all sits under one umbrella in my opinion. Ironically it’s the one thing that connects us all.

With that said, I really like looking at myself. What I believe, why I believe it and how it affects my life – and if I should still believe it. I discovered that I have 4 real fears that affect me. Things that hold me back and prevent me from moving forward with certain things.

                                                                                    #1 – Spiders
#2 – Deep Water

                                                                                   #3 – Death
                                                                                   #4 – Living a 9-5 life

Numbers one and two are pretty self explanatory. That shit is just creepy. If you have more than 4 legs, or I can’t see the bottom of you, you’re weird and have no place in my life. It’s pretty much that simple.

Death though, death is a perpetual fear I’ve had for as long as I can remember. Maybe it’s a fear of the unknown, maybe it’s because it’s one thing I have absolutely no control over. Unless, well, I suddenly decide to drive off a cliff or play cricket with grenades. As soon as I think of death all beliefs about religion, people and whatever is troubling me at the moment goes out of the window. Nothing matters anymore, because, well, my fate is signed, sealed and delivered regardless of what happens. It makes me view life for what it is. A short space of time we can either enjoy, or regret. The nice cars and t-shirts you have, they can’t come with you; but if they make you happy, have them in abundance. If you like to read, read until your eyes hurt. If you want to wear a pink t-shirt, jesters hat, a pair of cowboy boots and a belt buckle made of mahogany; fucking do it. At the end of the day, we all reside to the same fate. Nobody can tell you what to do between point A and point B. As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone’s own personal life choices in the process. Hopefully, Death becomes less of a fear and a more of a motivator.

Number 4 is probably my greatest fear. It cripples me and saddens me to think of a 9-5 life. I would hate to think of it as an inevitability or a destiny. A 9-5 life to me looks like the following:

Getting up early
Getting in the car
Sitting in traffic
Getting to my desk
Sitting behind my desk for 4 hours
Have a lunch break, filled with idle chit chat from colleagues I have no interest in
Going back to my desk
Not leaving for another 4-6 hours
Getting back in my car
Sitting in traffic
Getting home – possibly via the supermarket
Eating dinner
Watching reality TV
Going to bed
Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

If you can look at that list and not be scared to the point where you feel your anus clench and your throat close a little, then you are a stronger person than I. Nothing about that routine makes me wants to live a life like that. None of it appeals to me, in the slightest. Okay, I admit that might be a very bias view of what a 9-5 life would look like. But, whilst I sit in here in my dirty soccer (yeah, I said soccer and I’m English) uniform on someones couch in Houston, Texas – After I’ve spent 6 hours coaching, with a trip to the driving range/swimming pool/mall/NASA/Baseball Game (delete as appropriate) between sessions, It couldn’t be further away from where I am and where I would want to be. If you ever find my set in a cube in an office block, I give you permission to beat me with a rubber mallet, because I have not been true to any version of the visions I have for my life. I can’t do it, and I’m going to do my utmost to make sure I don’t live it.

I think the whole point of this post has been this; Don’t take life too seriously and do your best to go in the direction you want to go in. How? Well, I’m still figuring that out myself. But I think if you can recognize what’s holding you back, then you’ve taken the first steps to getting there.

JJ

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